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The Ten Annoying Social Media Friends We All Have

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Just a bit of goofy fun for today, mostly because it’s my birthday and I wanted to spend it taking silly pictures of myself. If you read one of these descriptions and think “I don’t think that applies to any of my friends…” it’s probably you. (And we love you anyway.)

Getting messed up at 10 AM because I don't have a job, mofos! WOOO!

Annoying Friend #1: The Chronic Partier

You never quite figured out that Facebook doesn’t need to know when you get so drunk that you throw up all over the bed. So wasted that you peed in your bed…again? Who among your Twitter friends doesn’t need to know that?! Your persistent bad grammar and constant need to post silly pictures of yourself makes us cringe, and although we often try to hint that it’s very hard to remove stuff once posted online, you never seem to apply that tip to your life. It’s beer-o-clock somewhere! TOGA PARTY!

Why We Still Love You: Okay, you might party more than we did at our college worst, but you’re a fun guy/gal. And although we hate to admit it, we sometimes envy your carefree spirit…at least a little. But most of all, we can’t bring ourselves to hit the delete button because then we wouldn’t get to see all the stupid crap you do anymore, and that’s part of our daily entertainment. You might make us roll out eyes, but you’re anything but boring.

Don't worry about me, guys. Somehow I'll manage to carry on even though I just got a hangnail...

Annoying Friend #2: The Person with the Worst Luck in the World

Every day is worst than the last for you, my emo friend. When we see you in real life, you seem relatively happy – at least, not worse off than the rest of us – but online, your life is falling apart. Today your car wouldn’t start. Yesterday, your dog ate your shoes. The day before that, your loud neighbors kept you awake at night. AND IT WAS THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD. Somehow, you fail to mention all the happy things that happen in your life and instead focus on telling us why we need to pity you and constant confusing us with your Facebook messages. If you post something sad, are we supposed to hit the “like” button to show support? Or is that seen as liking that something bad happened to you?

Why We Still Love You

We still love you because…we still love you. You’re a dear friend, so we can’t bring ourselves to unfriend/unfollow you even though we stopped genuinely caring about how “bad” your life is every single day. Be careful. If you cry wolf too many times, one day when something bad actually happens to you, people might not notice.

You'll all miss me when I'm gone. Because I am NOT coming back. Seriously.

Annoying Friend #3: The Constant Quitter

We know, we know. You’re quitting Facebook/Twitter/email/whatever. YOU ARE DONE. And this time it is for real. Just like last time. And the time before that. And the time before…

What prompted it this time? Lack of phone calls from friends in real life? An annoying “stalker”? A need to “clear your mind.” Whatever it is, we don’t really sympathize anymore. We know you’ll be back.

Why We Still Love You

When you’re not going on some pretentious rant about how social media is for fools or we aren’t your real friends unless we actually call you to hang out in real life, you’re actually pretty cool. Those in-between times make it worth sitting through your adult temper tantrums. We’ll see you again in a few weeks.

OMG LOL BBQ!

Annoying Friend #4: Lovable Idiot

You make us facepalm more than all of our other friends combined. You might be one of the most ditzy people we know, and you somehow feel the need to share everything on social media, from p’offed statements about how horrible your babydaddy treats you to pictures of the seventh car you’ve wrecked this year to updates on your yeast infection. Your posts push the character limit and are sometimes unreadable due to ur need 2 talk lik dis, but at least you aren’t a malicious person.

Why We Still Love You

Your status updates might be a little crazy, but they’re also pretty funny. You have great stories and your daily drama is as addicting as a soap opera. We actually do care about you, but you also keep us entertained. Especially when you talk about your on-again-off-again relationship with The Chronic Partier. We believe in you, though. Someday, we hope you’ll mature a little and will actually find your way in life.

YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT!!!

Annoying Friend #5: The Link Maniac

We have no idea what’s going on in your life. You could be living in Peru and raising emus. You could have ten kids living on a ranch in Texas. You could be next door to us selling drugs for all we know. And we don’t know about your life because all you post is links. We can respect your privacy, but when you go on a bender, it takes over our entire stream and we want to bang our heads in frustration.

Why We Still Love You

You might overdo it sometimes, but your links are actually pretty interesting a lot of the time. And who are we kidding? You’re our primary news source.

Oooo, you can have this too for just three easy payments of $49.99. BUY TODAY!

Annoying Friend #6: The Door to Door Salesman

What are you peddling this week? You latest blog post? An affiliate product? Some charity event? You ask too much! Social media is great for content creators, but at the same time, you never seem to just chill and live your life. You just want us to buy or click or attend an event or like or subscribe or whatever. Following you is like a chore!

Why We Still Love You

We might get sick of the constant sell, but when you do hit it on the money, it’s something we actually need or want to know about. We can’t bring ourselves to quit you because of the valuable stuff you’ve sold us in the past…but be careful because you’re on probation.

Who needs a picture of ME as an avatar? Look at my fluffy baby from THIS angle!!!

Annoying Friend #7: The New Parent / Crazy Pet Lover

Oh. My. God. Your infant moved a few inches to the left. GRAB THE CAMERA. Listen, we get it. You’re a new parent. Or you’re a crazy pet lover. But do you need to post 2139 pictures every day? Do we have to know about it whenever your child burps or your dog licks your face? Put the camera down for the love of god so you can actually enjoy time with your child and pet…and so we can actually read our stream without another picture that looks exactly like the last twent you posted.

Why We Still Love You

We understand. We’ve all been there – passionate about a new baby or new pet (or even a new inanimate object like a new car). You’re just bursting with pride. And while your baby pictures might get boring after we’ve seen the first thousand, we do know that you’ll calm down eventually and maybe even start telling us some entertaining stuff your growing kid does…or even better, what else is going on in your life.

Oh honey bunny, I wuvs you sooooo much!

Annoying Friend #8: The Emotional Couple

Yes, it’s very special that you love one another. Yes, that picture of you kissing is super romantic. Yes, it’s cute that you like and retweet everything the other person says.

No, actually, it isn’t.

We might love love and want to see you happy, but there’s a line you have to draw. I don’t need to see another picture of you shoving your tongue down her throat and if he retweets you, you don’t have to retweet that to say thanks and he certainly doesn’t need to retweet that to say “no problem.” It’s a never-ending loop and I think that’s how black holes start.

We We Still Love You

When you’re not virtually groping one another, you’re actually interesting people. And we’re hoping that once the puppy love wears off, you can still be happy and share the important thing in your relationship, like an engagement, without sharing the vomit-inducing cuddly stuff that’s better left in private.

I'm so tough that I'm going to flick off my WEBCAM. Take that, society!

Annoying Friend #9: The Honey Badger

You don’t give a sh*t. We know, we know. Honey badger don’t care about his followers, his partner, his government, his roommate, his family, his job. You’re all for anarchy and chaos. You know, as long as you still get your morning Starbucks.

We We Still Love You

You have good ideas and we admire how passionate you are, even if your constant rants and assertions that you don’t care about society induce eyeball rolls. Hopefully, someday you’ll channel it into something good, rather than just acting like you’re smarter than everyone around you and complaining about a status quo that you’re doing nothing to change.

The beautiful, amazing, beyond-awesome Mama Boyer, who has never once logged into Facebook.

Annoying Friend #10: Mom

Yep. Sorry mom, but you’re kind of annoying. How can we giggle at dirty jokes and let the occasional curse word slip through if mom is going to read it??? Ugh, setting up lists and remembering to use them to control what you see is so annoying. Not to mention that we’re constantly living in fear of what embarrassing story about our childhood you might share next. And the fact that you’ve awkwardly friended all of my friends too…I think I’m going to be sick.

We We Still Love You

Because you bake awesome cookies and make our beds when we visit for the weekend. Duh.*

And okay, also because you hold us accountable. Your presence reminds us that it’s a slippery slope to becoming The Chronic Partier or The Emotional Couple or someone equally annoying. Because you’re looking over our shoulder, we stay classy…and it’s an ego boost that you like every single thing we say. Thanks, mom!

*And because MY mother isn’t actually on Facebook/Twitter. Thank freaking god. Though some of my friends’ moms have friended me, which might as well be the same thing.

UPDATE: People have already started adding to this list with their own “annoying friends” descriptions. You guys are seriously cracking me up. Leave your own addition with a comment below!

Allison Boyer freelance writer and content marketing consultant. She also runs the food blog The PinterTest Kitchen with her mom and sister. You can follow her shenanigans on Twitter (@allison_boyer) or contact her at allisonmboyer@gmail.com.


Feedback

35
  • debng

    You left out “The Guru” the person who is the only one who does it right and rants, often, about how everyone else is beneath him or her. Except, of course, the thousands of fans who comment on their status updates, but to whom The Guru never responds.

    • allison_boyer

       @debng Like I said on Google+, that’s a good one, Deb!! Or worse, The Wanna-Be Guru, who claims to be an expert in all things social media, but sends auto-DMs, uses a logo as an avatar, and rarely gets any comments or shares.

  • sparklyscotty

    Love it!  You also left out the “stalker” – the weirdo or ex that never interacts with anyone except you and sends you inappropriate messages; and the “voyeur” the faceless facebook friend who never, ever, engages or posts, but can practically quote people’s timeline when you meet in person.  Spooky!  🙂

    • allison_boyer

       @sparklyscotty OMG, I might be The Voyeur to some of my Facebook friends – people I haven’t talked to in any way since high school, but I follow their lives religiously. :-p I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!

    • blogworld

       @sparklyscotty You nailed this one!

  • sparklyscotty

    @debng Love it Deb! 🙂

  • tattrdwngs

    @allison_boyer awwwww HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

  • artisanupdates

    @blogworld What about the friend who posts on Facebook every five minutes–from work! What are they supposed to be doing?

    • allison_boyer

      @artisanupdates Thanks a good one to add to the list!

  • Rich_Fisher

    The Music Lover (or Musician) who constantly shares music videos with you and is always on the cutting edge of the latest big new indie artist or the deep dark B side of classic euro pop or British invasion that you simply have to listen to or your musical education isn’t complete…

    • allison_boyer

       @Rich_Fisher Oh, and that person usually has Facebook/Twitter liked with Spotify or whatever music platform they use so it updates us on what they’re listening too every three minutes. So annoying!

  • MichaelNooris

    You forgot the “liker.” They like every comment you put but never has anything to say.

    • allison_boyer

       @MichaelNooris I was really tempted just to like your comment and not reply to it at all :-p

    • MeticulousClean

       @MichaelNooris Me me me. But I’m the linker, too. Politics? ME? I think I might have multiple personalities. 

  • chadrichards

    @JustShireen LOL don’t you dare stop posting pictures of Westley (sp?) tho!

  • zahndrew

    Painfully true.

  • phildunn

    @JulianaP16 thanks for the RT – glad you enjoyed

  • AlyssaMcElfresh

    How about The Political Activist? The one who sits on the computer all day reading controversial political crap and then posting it on Facebook and whining about how the world is falling apart and everyone should grabs sign and go march while they sit and Google.

    • allison_boyer

       @AlyssaMcElfresh Oh gross. That’s definitely an annoying one!

    • blogworld

       @AlyssaMcElfresh say it sister! You probably don’t know this but I was a political blogger before starting BlogWorld Alyssa. When we started the show I stopped my blog. I never talk politics here, on Twitter, or at the show. It is boorish.
       
      That’s the great thing about blogging. My political blog was the perfect outlet for my political opinions. That kind of conversation and debate is expected there.
       
      Great great comment!

  • planetshark

    ??????????? RT @nittyGriddyBlog @blogworld The 10 Annoying Social Media Friends We All Have http://t.co/PGdRg2ba

  • natasad

    @JulianaP16 i am the mom 🙂

  • DaliBurgado

    This is just freakin’ hilarious, Allison.  Thank you so much for the laughs!  I tagged some friends on Facebook with this one!  So true.  I would call myself that Link Maniac, but I am awaiting some friends’ feedback.  I don’t want to be some of the other ones! bwwaaaa 🙂

    • allison_boyer

       @DaliBurgado Haha, thanks! I was too shy to tag my friends on FB, but believe me…I have a friend to fit in every category! :-p

  • typeamom

    @suburbanmama @blogworld yes!!

  • lttlewys

    @garretmeikle Morning!! Happy Thursday! How is your week?

  • Rkelly

    I’m the annoying guy who thinks he’s ridiculously funny and has to share all his wit and wisdom with the world.

  • NoahLomax

    @garretmeikle @lttlewys Hey Garret! Hope you are well man! Nothing new here but life is good!

  • Wendy92

    @misskristelle That’s a funny post. I think I’ve been a little of all of those at times (minus the chronic partier and Mom)

  • Meta2012

    Good Posting, Every one can learn something. Best Regards,CEO of http://www.makemakingmoney.net

  • asifandwhen

    @kittystryker Aren’t we both a bit #5?

  • JoniMueller

    The two headed dog. Couples who share the same FB profile. I won’t friend them no matter who they are.

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